Ash to Flame
by Cooptown
Summary: A series of outtakes from Ashes of Our Lives/What We Have Left.   Takes place during/after JJ & Reid's captivity. warnings: trauma, abuse, refs to non-con, ect. graphic.
1. Chapter 1

**I wouldn't call this 'long-awaited' but I've been thinking of it for a while. **

**I've just been really missing my **_**Ashes of Our Lives **_**and **_**What We Have Left **_**universe, so I'm back for some more. **

**This is NOT A SEQUEL to **_**What We Have Left - **_**there won't be a continuation. These are outtakes, a series of oneshots that take place during/after both **_**Ashes **_**and**_** WWHL.**_

**If there is something particular anyone would like to see (I was asked a few times for Reid/JJ to get married) then please ask, I'm happy to see what I can do. **

**This particular first section takes place directly after the end of WWHL. Recovery.**

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**_"If you share your pain you cut it in half, if you don't you double it."_

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**Roughly a month after WWHL ends.**

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It started as an embarrassing habit, one that woke them up in the night and left them quiet and awkward for nearly half an hour. Now, they skipped the foreplay and embraced the act willingly, finding it all the more comforting because of the lack of pre-play.

JJ had attempted sleeping on the couch for a while, she really did.

She and Reid were opposites; she could not ever sleep, resolving to spend the night up watching his TV at a low volume, red-rimmed eyes distant and one hand twisting her hair. She would try to avoid looking at the window, for fear of seeing anything besides the cream-colored curtains looking back at her.

Reid never wanted to do much more than sleep. He experienced the infuriating sensation of sleeping long hours and waking up exhausted. He put it down to the wide array of prescription drugs he was on, although that did not make him any less bitter. He was often holed up in the bedroom, resting under a mountain of blankets and trying not to worry about his new roommate.

Each night when they resigned to bed, JJ would curl up on the couch. After a few nights of doing so, she realized that there was no point to trying at all. She could sit still for hours, never dozing or resting her eyes. Every time she did, her fragile mind would be assaulted with images she desperately wanted to forget. Blonde and black hair, alternating each time and slate-blue eyes, cold and hungry like a snakes would snap into her mind like a rubber band, biting a sharp burn of pain into her head and making her jolt upright.

Each night she would last a little less time on the couch before she found herself getting to her feet, clutching an oversized flannel about her shoulders and making her way down the narrow hallway into the now-familiar bedroom.

Familiar with the routine, she didn't knock or make a sound as she slid into the king-size bed situated in the middle of the room. She gave the room a quick glance, wide blue eyes searching in the dark for a blackened shadow, feeling no small amount of relief when she noticed none.

JJ settled into the unbelievably comfortable mattress, pulling the thick blankets up to her shoulder and turning onto her side, leaving her back to the edge of the bed. She could barely see her partner under the blankets, so she tugged at the edge to expose his face. Facing her, he grimaced at the now-lack of warmth against his skin and he twitched, blinking sleepy eyes, near black in the darkness of the room, awake to meet hers.

Reid watched her, surprised as always at how the minuscule amount of light seemed to gather in her eyes and make them glow a silver-blue that gave her away.

Just as he did every night, he reached out one hand to touch her cheek, his fingertips smooth and warm against her skin. She closed her eyes, leaning into his palm and breathing a soft sigh of relief and worry.

"You alright?" He asked with a voice muddled by sleep and tinged with discomfort. She knew he was just beginning to warm up to the idea of being so close to someone, but she had a feeling his shyness ran deeper.

She answered with a soft 'yes' like she always did, but chose to elaborate. "I just... I needed to be close. I'm more comfortable in here."

She started scooting in and he wriggled, pushing the heavy blankets away to make room. She curled up close, not enough to be snuggled against him, but enough so he could put an arm around her shoulder. A glance at the clock on the nightstand told him it was past three am. "Why don't we just skip these late-night meetings, and you can just sleep in here from the start?"

So they did.

With him, she was able to slip into an uneasy sleep, usually free of dreams, good or bad. She fell asleep and woke up to the soft, barely noticeable scent of pine-needles and clean laundry. It was a smell only he had, and though she had no idea how he managed to smell like fresh-cut trees all the time, she could hardly say she didn't enjoy it.

So he would watch her during the night, tired eyes fixated on her porcelain smooth face, tracking for twitches and movements that would betray discomfort. Only once he was sure she was sleeping for good would he allow himself to drift off again, feeling the near painful pull of exhaustion tear at his body and mind.

In the morning, he would wake before her. She was exhausted, and rightfully so. He knew the tiredness he felt was psychological, so he would will his aching body up and to the kitchen to start the coffee, which would release the scent that would wake JJ from her dreamless slumber.

It never took JJ long after that to come stumbling into the kitchen, arms wrapped around herself. She would pass Reid, seated at the kitchen table reading the newspaper. Like every morning, she would drop a hand as she passed to drag a hand along his thigh, clad in sweats to fight off the chill that never seemed to leave the apartment no matter how high the heat was on.

Coffee in hand, she would join him at the table, sipping the hot drink and making a grab for the paper as he set it down.

He would drink his while she looked, neither saying a thing and doing nothing except enjoying the morning quietness.

It had been their routine for just over a month, and today was no different.

Setting the paper down, JJ looked up to find Reid looking at her over the rim of his favorite, chipped coffee mug. She set her own down and slid a hand across the table. He released one hand from its wrapped position around the mug to fold his fingers around her slender palm, and she nearly closed her eyes at the feel of the heat from his hand, from his cup, grazing a trail of heat across her skin.

They sat for a while in silence, Reid smudging a thumb over the back of JJ's hand while she stared at the table, staving off the emotion for as long as she could. When she couldn't hold back any longer, she looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said in a meek voice, "Spence, I'm scared."

He met her eyes, his expression so saddened she nearly leaned back in surprise, perturbed at the sheer openness he was sporting. Part of her was afraid that he was too, making her reality come crashing at the thought that there was still something to be afraid of. But most of her just felt privileged; he didn't open up to people, but with her he was an open book. He offered her comfort and companionship unconditionally, and she fully felt his support even when he said nothing at all.

"I know," he replied simply after a few minutes, and those words were oddly soothing to her battered soul.

"Spencer," she said, surprised at how adding the last letter of his name made her sound so serious. He noticed to, watching her intently with an unwavering hazel gaze.

"Let's go out today," she said tentatively, and he tilted his head just slightly, moving to stand and grabbing his coat from the back of the chair.

It was the first time since they'd been home that she had initiated leaving. They had both been content to rest in the apartment until their shattered minds were pieced back together; until the ashes of their lives were rekindled into a flame of life. Each time there was a flicker of fire, a wind breathing the name of Alexander Napuri billowed along and snuffed it out, scattering the ashes father and farther apart. Eventually, they would be too hard to pick back up. They knew that. They had to try while the pieces were still manageable.

Half an hour later they stood, dressed and ready and shoulder to shoulder at his door. Unsure what to say, his hand reached for hers and they laced their fingers together, JJ leaning into his side as they took that first step on their own from the apartment. There were no teammates there ushering them out to a group meeting, to the BAU, or to their scheduled therapy.

Today, it was just them. Just two people, not profilers, not agents, not government officials. Two people, hand in hand, leaving their home for a walk and a cup of coffee at Paula's cafe down the block where Reid had loved to go before he'd been thrown outside the world he'd known. Now it was a world with JJ, and he would bring her into it completely, adding her to his life with his whole heart behind her.

Together they took the steps, opting to walk instead of drive. The day was not warm nor cold, and the sun on their skin felt soothing. They were two damaged people, frozen from months of cold, burning cold, returned to the heat of normalcy. There was no other feeling like it.

Hands clasped, shoulder touching and hair tousled from the breeze, they walked. Not a word was exchanged, nor were any needed, and they simply enjoyed each other.

They would heal, they knew that.

But it would take work. They would scrape up each other ashes and kindle the fire until it flared out into brilliant rays, recreating the remarkable people they had been. They were not too far gone.

As JJ looked up at Reid with such comfort in her cobalt eyes, he knew, down in the pit of his soul that they were recovering.

Soon, they would be whole.

She was his heart, he was hers.

There were no two ways about it.

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**I'm so stuck on Ward of Ruin right now, and this came FLYING onto my screen. What is wrong with me? I miss the Ashes world a lot, actually. Expect more for this! Next one will probably be a snippet from when they were with Napuri during Ashes.**

**Please R&R! I appreciate it! (:**


	2. Chapter 2

**Part two. **

**More to come, requests are next priority for this. This was a quick-write, non-beta'd.  
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**She knew pain.

It was the soreness in her legs and torso, spreading up like a fiery snake dragging paths of acid along her skin. It was the stiffness in her neck as she woke from another night curled into a tight ball, trying to block out the harshness of the world as she slept. It was the cold feeling of loss that blossomed between her lungs, inflating like a balloon until it was hard to breathe.

Jennifer Jareau knew pain well.

For her, pain was fear. Fear was pain. She found that she spent most of her waking hours afraid; she worried incessantly about past transgressions, fearful that every time she looked up she was see that familiar, dominating expression with cold blue eyes that dug into her soul like fish hooks, refusing to let go.

It had been nearly two months since she'd been released from the hospital, and still the soreness had refused to leave her. She found herself stiff and aching in the mornings, cringing in discomfort on her way to the kitchen, the bathroom, or to the couch in the front room. The stitches and half-healed tears in her most intimate areas were scars that refused to fade and take away the pain that was continually assaulting her. The throbbing that shot up into her belly every time she moved was a cold, dousing reminder.

With each sear of bruising pain, she felt him on top of her. Forcing himself. Again, again, _again_.

She was broken. She found the physical aspects of the trauma the easiest to deal with. For her, the worst was mental.

She could not sleep, plagued each night but such severe paranoia that she found herself sneaking off to her house-mate's side, unwilling to be alone. She would spend hours lying away, eyes wide in the dark while she stared at the ceiling, glancing around the near-black rooms just waiting for something to happen.

Sometimes she awoke in a cold sweat, her skin drenched and pale, tightened across her cheekbones and making her look thin. That always concerned Reid, on the quasi-rare time it happened, he would get up and follow her to the bathroom, help her clean up and repeatedly ask if she was alright, not accepting when she'd assure she was _just fine. _

She showered. Obsessively.

She knew it was something that _victims _often did. Excessive showering, Reid could have told her that though he never would have. She liked to shower twice a day, when she woke and before she went to bed. Sometimes she wouldn't wash her hair, opting instead to scrub and scrub her skin nearly raw with a loofa and her favorite jasmine bath soap that had somehow found its way into Reid's shower. She would get out, dry and dress as quickly as she could- she found she was, more often than not, horribly uncomfortable with her own nakedness nowadays- and move to lie on the bed for half an hour before Reid could coax her up. It always seemed that no matter how much she showered, the smell of jasmine could never cover the scent of musky sex that she assumed hung over her like a cloud.

Too many times already he'd held back her hair, settled beside her on the cool tile flooring in his bedroom bathroom while she'd vomited her pain, over and over again until there was nothing left to expel but tears. He always let her cry into him, soaking his clothes until they both shivered from more than cold. More often than not he would help her back to bed, bring her a mug of mint tea and read to her until she drifted off from nothing more than pure exhaustion.

She was just a broken soul, and he wanted nothing more than to help her heal.

In retrospect, Spencer Reid seemed to be handling himself better, at least outwardly. Whispers ran through the FBI that he was better equipped to handle what had happened to them... he was _experienced _with that sort of thing, being a victim. He had another name now, to add to his list.

_Alex. Tobias. Alex, Tobias. Hankle, Napuri. _

_Victim, victim, victim. _

He did not long for drugs.

Napuri had dosed him twice with heroin. He knew the statistics. One hit changed body chemistry, and he had known that. The first time he'd been shot up he knew that. When the second dose came, he found it an undeniable _relief. _

The doctor had promised withdrawal from only two doses would not be severe.

They wouldn't have been, had his body not already been at the point of failure. It wasn't so much withdrawal that pained him, but rather minor withdrawal layered on top of ailments a through z that did him in.

He remembered those days, the first days home. JJ never left his side, curling into him and keeping her slender arms about his waist as he trembled, trying to sleep and finding it evasive. Those were the days when the bureau thought he'd finally kick it; when he'd walked, zombie-like into the BAU once or twice to drop of paperwork, the skin under his eyes so dark, skin so taut and white that many were convinced he was already dead, merely waiting for his body to catch up with his mind.

JJ helped him through. She nursed the wounds both physical and psychological. Knowing how destroyed she was, he was impressed by her ability to sooth. She was getting as good as comfort as Garcia.

JJ had cried with him those first few nights when the pain in his stomach and the pain in his head kept him up for nearly three straight days until he had finally teared up in frustration, crying out the agony until his body merely gave out into a restless slumber with nothing to sooth besides the distant feeling of JJ's fingers combing his hair and stroking over his battered torso.

She made sure he took his medication and he made sure she took hers. Anti-depressants, sleeping pills, muscle relaxers, percocet, naproxen and other varied drugs cluttered the bathroom, and Reid eyed them bitterly every time he entered the room with the image of crystal clear vials of fluid too clear in his mind.

Yes, these two knew pain well. They were close friends.

It was one late, late night when Reid was leaning against the bathtub, settled on the floor with gritted teeth while razor-edged claws sheared their way through his insides until he felt like screaming, that the epiphany came.

It came in the form of the blonde woman who shared his home, his life, his soul.

She slunk into the bathroom wearing nothing but beaten sweats and a tshirt that was easily four sizes too big. She sank down beside him and leaned against the wall, slipping a hand around the back of his neck and tugging him down until his head rested in her lap, feeling the heat of her body creeping through his sheared senses. She slid an arm down around his waist, gentle fingers keeping a grip on his skin under his tshirt, offering warmth. He didn't remember sleeping, but he remembered listening to her breaths, counting them in time with the movement of her torso against him.

He'd woken to find towels draped over him; JJ had still been there, sleeping with her head lolled against the wall and her arm around him.

He remembered getting up, lifting her with the little strength left in his battered body and taken her to the bed, tucking her in and heading to the kitchen with a clouded sensation in his mind that left him confused and at a loss.

He wanted to do something nice for her.

They were not able to have pets. JJ loved animals, she always had. After everything, the idea of even a cat had driven her to tears. Dogs were out of the question, exotic animals like lizards and snakes were definitely not top choice, and the purring of the cat he'd tried to bring home had her in hysterics, sobbing about how its eyes looked like his; narrow, fierce, and with a purpose she knew could bring no good.

When she woke up that afternoon after rescuing him in the bathroom, she'd been startled at what had greeted her.

She rose from his bed and opened the curtains, hoping to catch a closer look. It loomed there, huge and impressive against the wall. She walked closer and leaned down in front of it, flaxen hair falling about her shoulders and creating a golden curtain around her face that framed her expression.

Watery blue eyes traced the aquarium, unsure of what exactly to think. She watched the angelfish glide back and forth, up and down, their pattered bodies glinting with the light from the lamps reflecting from their tiny scales. Silver and white, white and yellow. But no black.

No, there were enough blackness now.

When she finally broke from her trance and took the steps to the kitchen, she found him seated at the table, tapered fingers rapping against the wood in an unhurried, nervous way.

"You did all that for me," she'd whispered, not asking a question but stating a fact she'd found so undeniably kind.

"I wanted you to remember that the world is beautiful," he'd replied simply, quickly, and with enough passion in his tone to help her see through what he was trying to say.

She'd nearly collapsed into him, sitting in his lap with her arms around his neck and her face burrowed in his throat, eyes leaving silvery tear-tracks over her skin and his.

"Thank you, thank you so much," she'd cried, and he'd held her close with no reply. She didn't need one; she didn't need the fish, the aquarium, or anything else he'd done to improve the apartment.

To her, the beauty of the world were the walks they were beginning to take during the afternoon. Beauty was watching parents with their children in the park from the window of their favorite coffee shop. It was holding his hand while they trekked through the Bullpen. There was enough beauty in her world, and she knew the same held true for him.

They didn't need help.

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**More to come, I've gotten two requests so I'm going to act on those next. (: **

**Please R&R?**


	3. Chapter 3

**This was kind of requested, so I decided to give it a go. unbeta'd.  
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****SIX MONTHS AFTER WWHL**

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**It had been a quick, spur of the moment decision. It had been meant to erase painful last encounters and replace them with beautiful new ones.

As JJ stared at the little, harmless-looking white stick in her hand, proudly bearing two pink lines, she found herself speechless with skin so white she was sure she was invisible.

She glanced over to the stack of un-opened boxes on the counter and debated trying again. She'd already checked three times, and at this point she was positive it was true, although she could hardly wrap her head around it.

The doctor had told her it'd be a miracle if this ever happened to her. She traced a hand over her bare torso, wincing at the feel of the deep, mostly-healed surgery scar from her miscarriage.

She should have been grateful.

As it was now, she was just terrified.

She struggled to get his name through her lips, to call him to the bathroom despite the fact that she was clad in nothing but sweats and a bra. That wasn't important now.

"Reid," she called, opening the door a moment later and finding him there.

She met his dark eyes with hers, and she felt the lightheadedness threaten to take over.

"Reid, I'm pregnant," she managed to force out before the world went dark and she pitched forward into waiting arms.

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JJ heard voices when she woke. She roused enough to realize she was sprawled out on the couch, and she blinked foggy blue eyes until the world came into focus.

She spotted Reid and Garcia on the couch facing the one she laid on, the coffee table between laden with empty mugs.

"There you are, peach," Garcia said jovially, her face so bright she could have lit the room with her excitement, "Reid told me the news. Congratulations! Are you excited?"

JJ could hardly form words and she looked at Reid, unnerved to see him white as snow and his face frozen in a mask of shock. "I really don't know what to think yet."

"You think of _names,_" Garcia replied, almost forcefully. She was nearly squirming in her seat, squeezing Reid's hand with much more force than necessary. "Do you want a boy or a girl?"

JJ looked dazed, and Reid cut in. "No offense, Garcia, but I don't think either of us have processed this fact yet."

"If it's a boy you have to name him Jace, or Seth, or something equally sexy," Penelope insisted, "if it's a girl, I say Rachel. _Oooh, _I think I'm more excited than you are!"

JJ sat up, wrapping her arms around her abdomen half-protectively and half-searchingly, as though her torso was a new region she was unfamiliar with.

"I can't even-," Reid started, "JJ, it was _one time _and there was protection..."

"Reid, I know for a fact that _you_ know the facts of how often 'protection' fails to _protect." _

"Do... do you want the statistic?" He was nervous, and his fingers were rapping against his knee while he tapped one foot against the carpeted floor.

"No, that's alright," JJ replied, trying to sound gentle. He was just as panicked as she was, but she wasn't going to take out her irritation on him. "Spence, let's just... let's go to a doctor, alright? We'll get this... checked out."

He stood and grabbed his coat from the back of the couch, snatching Garcia's car keys from the table. The blonde tech looked at him in surprise.

"Can you drive?" he asked her, and she got to her feet while Reid helped JJ up.

"It would be my pleasure, handsome," Garcia replied politely, making her way to the door. "Let's go see what doc has to say about your bun."

"Bun?" Reid asked, tilting his head as JJ threaded an arm through his.

"Bun in the oven," JJ supplied, "it's an expression for a pregnant woman. The baby being the bun and the over being... well, me."

Garcia smiled at her and JJ shrugged. "I've gotten used to explaining simple things to him, and he takes great pleasure in explaining quantum physics to me."

"Do you remember the five main ideas of the quantum theory?" He asked her, his voice bordering on nervous panic and a chilled struggle to maintain composure.

"Yes," JJ lied through her teeth, "but let's focus on that later."

Garcia unlocked her car and the three of them slid into the convertible, with JJ leaning against Reid's side.

"Okay Esther," Penelope murmured as she started the vehicle, "it's time to take Mama and Daddy to check on baby-Reid."

She completely missed the look of horror that passed between the other two agents.

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"Well, Ms. Jareau," the older man said as he leaned back in his chair, peeling off his gloves while JJ pulled her shirt down as far as she could. "Everything seems to be going well, though I'll admit I'm amazed at just _how _well, considering what I'd read from your medical report."

JJ slid a hand over her torso, wincing at the feel of the healing scar under the thin cotton. "My doctor said it'd be a miracle if I could have children."

The doctor nodded vigorously, "and they were right to say that. We're going to have to keep a close eye out on your little one, if things go wrong and we don't catch it in time the outcome could be disastrous. I'm going to ask to have you in here once a month for the checkups, weekly in the last month or so, just so I can make sure everything's going as well as it can, alright?"

JJ nodded mutely, still looking shell-shocked. Reid, seated at her side, slid a hand into hers. She squeezed his fingers appreciatively.

The doctor rattled on about when to make appointments and how to respond to certain symptoms, and in less than half an hour they were back at the flat with Garcia having begrudgingly left the two of them behind to brood.

JJ sank down onto the couch, kneading her fingers into the soft, dark mocha fabric. "Reid, I have no idea what to think about this. I mean, I don't think I've processed it yet, but... you and I. We're having a baby. We're _involved." _

"Don't tell Rossi," her companion murmured meekly, pacing along the living room in front of her and looking up with wide, greenish eyes. "He could have us transferred."

"Well, I was more soaking up the fact that _you and I _are _together this way, _and you're over there thinking about Rossi."

He looked at her, startled. "I'm not thinking about Rossi, really, I just don't want to get in trouble at work."

She frowned, looking almost hurt. "Don't you feel anything at all for this? For us, or this... baby?"

"Of course," Reid replied quickly, "it's just so sudden, and kind of shocking..."

JJ leaned back on the couch, one hand dragging over her abdomen gently. "I was too, but now I just feel _happy. _My doctor said if I ever got pregnant I'd be beyond lucky, and... and if I had to, I'm glad it was with _you." _

Reid settled on the couch beside her, reaching out to wrap warm fingers around hers. Her blue eyes met his and he smiled. It was the kind of smile that made his face light up and the skin around his eyes crinkle in just the right way to convey to her everything that he was thinking. It was a smile he rarely showed, and while he displayed it now, JJ knew without hearing the words that he was happy- that he wanted this to work. She relished the thought.

She leaned against his shoulder and he rested a hand over hers, just on top of her abdomen.

"I'm glad," he said softly, "this was unexpected, but not unwelcome."

Closing her eyes, JJ allowed herself to smile too. "We do have to think up names, though."

The look of nervousness returned on his angled face, but she chose not to notice, instead snuggling into his side and letting her mind drift over thoughts of the child that they had created.

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**After Ashes/WWHL I understand that the idea of JJ and Reid gettin' down seems kind of unrealistic, but I set this months in the future with the idea that JJ was interested in sex for the idea of replacing bad memories with new, good memories with Spence. Never know, I guess. I thought it'd be fun, and I'd been asked to get JJ pregnant so here we go. **

**Name and gender ideas for the baby? Jace and Rachel are two of my person top choices. :P  
**


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary of this chapter is basically 'JJ's day becomes a massive disaster, then she is pleasantly surprised.'**

**Randomish kind of Reid-whump, but it all ends well, so...  
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**In a time when nothing is more certain than change, the commitment of two people to one another has become difficult and rare. Yet, by its scarcity, the beauty and value of this exchange have only been enhanced. ~Robert Sexton

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Four months into the pregnancy, JJ was more than ready to be picked up. Emily had promised that the two of them would pick up twice as much baby accessories than were necessary, and the petite blonde could not have been more excited.

She'd just finished getting dressed when she'd noticed that Reid was having the worst stomach flare-up in months. She found him curled up on the couch, near-trembling under a mass a blankets. JJ dropped her purse on the coffee table with a frown and knelt- as carefully as her growing belly would allow- beside the couch. She reached a hand out to brush away Reid's sweat-damp bangs, and he looked at her with wet hazel eyes.

"Hey," she said quietly, "what do you need?"

The random, spastic pain-episodes that they'd been warned about were troublesome. They didn't happen very often anymore, but when they did, they tended to lead not only to a miserable day of ripping pain, but a long, largely one-sided argument revolving around the medication that could be administered to relieve said pain.

The doctor had offered Reid NSAID's when the young profiler had requested non-narcotics, but when Reid had agreed, the doctor had backtracked and retracted the offer. The medication was to relieve stomach pain, but the doctor had quickly explained that prolonged usage of NSAID's led to a barrage of stomach and GI problems- something that Reid desperately did not need to add to.

Dr. Cadwell had been adamant in giving medication in the form of injections if she could, because pills would have been difficult for Reid, and she doubted that he would be able to hold them very well. Injection options were completely narcotic- most of the pills were too, and in the end there was no avoiding it. Unhappy with the events, Reid had chosen the pills. If there had to be narcotic drugs, they certainly weren't going to be taken by a hypodermic needle.

JJ fetched the little orange prescription bottle- still nearly full- from the bathroom and returned a few minutes later, shaking two vicodin tablets into her palm. She knew he wouldn't want to take them, but if he didn't, they'd wind up right back at the hospital where he'd be sedated and examined. Again.

"Take these, okay? Ague with me later, just take them now."

He didn't say anything, twisting in discomfort and she forced the tablets through slightly parted lips. He blinked, but resigned to swallow down the pills before JJ would really give him something to whine about.

She combed her fingers over his warm forehead and through his ever-growing hair, tousling the lengthening chestnut locks. She noted dimly that his hair was darkening with the season- it was always a sandy, near dark-blonde in the summer. Now that it was getting darker and colder out, the color had tinted a deep russet bronze. She liked it.

He moaned as JJ stood, and the blonde made a reach for the cell phone stationed neatly at the corner of the coffee table. She tapped the second number on speed-dial, waiting for an answer.

"_Reid," _Morgan's voice greeted, _"what's up?"_

"Derek, hi, it's JJ," The liaison said into the phone, nestling it on her shoulder and moving to grab her car keys. She heard a horn honk outside and she knew Emily had just rolled up. "I'm supposed to be going out with Emily, baby shopping and all that. Reid's having one of his bad days, can you come over here for a while?"

Morgan- and the entire team, including Strauss- knew about Reid's 'bad days'. He had good days and not-so-good days. The good days were when things were normal, where Reid wanted nothing but to drink coffee, eat twinkies and color on maps. The bad days were when his insides twisted up through barbed wire, when the thought of _water _had him throwing up violently all day, miserable and cranky. The worst days had been the two times JJ had sat with him, half-anesthetized though he was, through the endoscopies while doctors scraped and prodded at his insides, trying to figure out what was causing the pain.

JJ hoped this wouldn't turn out to be one of those days. Morgan quickly agreed to come over, but the blonde stayed kneeling on the carpet beside the couch, smoothing her fingers over her partner's sweat-damp skin.

"Do you want me to stay?" She asked softly, and he blinked wet eyes open to look at her dazedly.

"No," he murmured in reply, "I'll be okay. Go, have fun with Emily. You spend too much time cooped up in the apartment anyway."

She kissed his forehead, ruffling his dampened hair and moving to stand. "Morgan will be here in the next ten minutes- you guys can rent a movie or something, alright? Rest up, too, we have work on monday."

He grunted in reply and she set the tv on with the volume low, striding from the apartment and locking it behind her. The short trek to Emily's car did nothing to take her mind from her ailing companion. She settled into the passenger seat and her dark-haired friend looked at her curiously.

"Everything alright?" Emily's even tone inquired, dark brows drawn in concern.

"Yeah," JJ replied in a murmur, "Reid's having a bad day."

Emily frowned. "Will he be alright?"

"Morgan's coming over, he'll be alright. It's happened before."

Throwing the apartment another glance, Emily pulled the car out of the parking lot. JJ looked down at her lap, her pretty face contemplative.

"So," Emily asked after a few moments quiet, "you still don't know the baby's gender?"

"I told the doctor we didn't want to know," JJ replied, her tone brightening at the thought of the baby, "so everything we buy today has to be unisex."

"What are you hoping for?"

"I've always wanted a baby girl... I mean, what woman doesn't want a beautiful daughter to dote on? And honestly, I think Spence would love a little princess. She would have him wrapped around her finger the day she's born."

Emily laughed, shaking her dark head. "She already does, and so do you. Reid's such a softy."

JJ laughed with her, gathering her purse as they pulled into the shopping center. They made their way into the mall, exchanging idle chatter that had nothing to do with work or the BAU.

"Anywhere you want to hit in particular?" JJ asked, meeting her friend's eyes questioningly.

Emily shook her head. "Nu-uh, today's your day. Why don't we pick out a mobile, or something? Reid won't mind if you pick it, will he?"

JJ smiled faintly, "no, he told me everything's up to me but that he'd paint the room when the time came."

"As he should, he's the father."

"Yeah, I think that's what he thought."

"Hey, JJ, forgive me if I'm out of line here," Emily spoke up quickly before she lost her nerve to ask, "but have you two considered marriage?"

The question seemed to throw JJ, and she blinked. "We... we haven't really talked about formally, it's just kind of understood that we're partners, you know? We're having a baby... we never really talked about tying the knot."

"Would you want to?"

JJ looked down at her hand, recalling the sight of the fake wedding band she'd worn when she and Reid had been undercover. "I think so, yes."

"Do you love him?"

"More than anything. I really want to spend the rest of my life with him and this child..."

"Then you should talk about it," Emily offered softly as they ducked into a store. She immediately picked up a stuffed puppy dog, one blue and one pink. "Enough with the serious stuff... blue or pink?"

"Yellow," JJ replied, plucking the single, yellow toy from the shelf and clutching it close. She winked when Emily rolled her eyes. "We're keeping this unisex, remember."

"You're no fun."

The two women sat at a tiny corner table in the chinese bistro when JJ's phone rang. She reached down through the mountain of shopping bags at her feet for her purse, fishing the device from it and ignoring Emily's curious look.

"Morgan," JJ greeted quickly, "everything alright?"

"_I'm at Sherydan General Hospital." _

JJ sat up straighter, and Emily could see the stress lines forming on the blonde's face. "What's going on? I can be there in twenty minutes-"

"_He doesn't want you to come, JJ. He's alright. He's getting checked out now." _

"What's going on, Derek?"

"_Endoscopy. They want his medical background, and he needs some information I don't have. I was gonna call Garcia but she'd freak out, so I thought you'd know-" _

"Morgan, I'll be there in _twenty minutes,_" JJ asserted, "just sit tight."

JJ downed the last of her iced tea, tossing a twenty down onto the table and standing with a wince, moving to gather her array of shopping bags. Emily joined her, and within minutes they were marching their bag-laden bodies back to the car.

"Is he alright?" Emily asked worriedly, concerned at JJ's sudden silence.

"I'm not sure," the blonde replied quietly, slipping into the seat while Emily peeled out, "I won't know until we get there, but I'm hoping everything's okay..."

True to her word, the pair strode through the hospital doors twenty minutes later. Morgan stood from his spot in a waiting room chair, approaching them quickly.

"I think he's okay," he said quickly, "he was just getting pretty bad at home and I thought it'd be safer to bring him in. They're prepping him now but wanted to ask you some questions since he can't answer them."

"Why can't he?" Emily asked as Morgan led the two of them back to the exam room.

"He was kind of breathless, his voice was really scratchy so they anesthetized his throat and told him not to speak. That's when I called you."

They stepped into the room and were greeted by an older man with graying hair and kind, gray eyes.

"I'm Dr. Wright, you must be Jennifer."

JJ nodded, moving to sit beside Reid where he was sprawled out on the table on his back. He looked at her apologetically. "Sorry," he murmured softly, his voice rough.

"Don't talk," Dr. Wright said quickly, turning his attention back to JJ. "I'm going to run an upper GI endoscopy, that seems to be where the problem is originating from. His medical records were partially sealed, they were deemed confidential. Is there any way you can give me some insight?"

JJ sighed, dragging a hand over her face.

"Hey JJ," Morgan said, "Prentiss and I are gonna be in the waiting room, okay? Take your time."

She nodded and the pair left, leaving JJ alone with her ailing roommate and a curious doctor. "He was injured by a suspect we were pursuing through the country."

"Yes, I saw xrays, but there were sealed pictures and files. I don't think any broken bones could be causing these GI problems."

JJ looked up at him tiredly. "He swallowed a test tube of liquid nitrogen."

The doctor's eyes widened and JJ plowed through before the painful memories became too much. "He- it was really rough, at first. The acid burned his mouth and throat so badly, he was living on protein shakes for a few weeks because he just _couldn't _eat. When he was back on solids again, the medications he was getting made him lose his voice for a while, in random spurts. Some days he was alright, and others his voice was so hoarse he would just work through cough drops all day without a word. In the past few months he's healed up pretty well, but his doctor told us these kind of GI problems would likely always be an issue. I guess he's just having a flare-up."

Dr. Wright looked surprised by the news, but he composed himself quickly. "I see. Well, we're going to see what we can do, alright? I've got him sedated and now I'm going to work through the procedure. You're welcome to stay here with him if you'd like- it shouldn't take more than fifteen minutes."

"Thank you," JJ replied sincerely, leaning against the side of the table and taking one of Reid's limp hands, smudging her thumb across the back of it. "This is the third time, Spence," she chided gently, "what's the baby going to think of these random hospital visits?"

He looked at her drowsily, imploring her to keep talking.

"I've been having a feeling," JJ continued softly, "that it's a girl. I really hope it is- but I just have this sense that... that she is."

His fingers twitched in her grip and she smiled. "Would you like that? Garcia was right, you know, we have to think of some names. She liked Rachel. I like too many names to list... I love Brielle, Caitlyn, Nicole, Raquel, and... too many, clearly." She tried to smile, ignoring the doctor staring intently at the screens behind her and instead looking at her partner, relieved to see that he was watching her, listening.

"Even if she is a girl, I'd like you to paint the room yellow."

He blinked purposefully and she tilted her head. "Pink and blue are generic, but yellow... yellow is such a warm color, don't you think? We need to brighten up the apartment, and that's the best way to do it. Yellow is sunny, and happy. We could put the aquarium in her room... we could... we could get a cat. I'm sure Sergio wouldn't mind a play-mate."

He tried to talk, but she put a finger to his mouth. "I know, I know. You've told me the statistics- people with pets tend to be happier and live longer. I think it'd be good for her to grow up with pets so she doesn't grow up... afraid."

Groggy though he was, Reid squeezed JJ's fingers in his.

"I know," she murmured again, wondering just when she learned to understand him without words. He was usually so complex. "I'm not rushing, I'm just... really excited. It's been four months, we're getting close, and I just... I was scared at first, you know? But now, I just can't wait to hold her in my arms. Even if she turns out to be a boy, I'd love him as much as I love you."

He nudged her softly and she shook her head. "We've come so far."

She felt a soft tap on her shoulder and she smiled when the unexpected touch didn't make her jump. She turned soft blue eyes on the doctor standing behind her with a patient expression.

"Alright, Ms. Jareau," he said matter-of-factly, "nothing looked too different from his last scans, there's still healing lesions and scar tissue, but there were inflamed areas, indicating that it could just be a mild infection. I'm going to prescribe new medication and you two should on your way." He wrote quickly on a pad and handed a slip to JJ. "Keep him on those for a few months and there shouldn't be anymore problems that'll land you back on here."

"Thank you," JJ expressed sincerely while Dr. Wright disconnected Reid's IV and pulled the thin tube from the young profiler's mouth. Reid started coughing immediately, grimacing.

"Sorry JJ," he grouched immediately, his voice hoarse.

"Don't be," she replied softly, "let's just go."

"He can't drive," the doctor cut in, "other than that, have a good night."

They thanked him and left, Reid dragging his feet behind JJ and moving at a sluggish pace. They met Emily and Morgan in the waiting room, and both were relieved to see that all was well.

Emily picked up on Reid's winces quickly. "Are you still in pain?"

He shrugged one shoulder. "Yeah, but he gave me something for it and said it'll fade, JJ's got the prescription."

Morgan patted Reid's shoulder and the group exited the hospital, moving their separate ways.

"See you guys monday," Reid bid, almost cheerfully, as he and JJ trekked their way to her new car. After the civic had been destroyed, she'd opted for a camry. The drive home was quiet, with JJ focused on the road and Reid leaning against the window tiredly.

Once settled back into the apartment, JJ disappeared to make tea while Reid picked up a new book from the coffee table and started leafing through it. The petite blonde returned a moment later and sank beside Reid on the couch, handing him a mug and leaning in to kiss his temple.

"Feeling better?" She asked when he looked at her.

"Yeah, marginally," he responded softly, setting the book down to slip an arm around her shoulders. She leaned in comfortably. "About what you said. I'd be happy either way, but I'm hoping for a girl too. I like Elisa. Or Leah."

"Leah?" JJ raised a brow, tilting her head.

He wrinkled his nose. "What? _I_ like it."

"What about Kirsten?" JJ implored.

"Or Danielle."

"Or Tracy."

"Or Christy."

"Or Natasha."

"or Natalie."

"Or Seraphina."

He shook his head, smiling crookedly. "Or Hatsumomo."

She knew he was joking and she elbowed his side. "I read that book- I love it."

"Ah, me too, it's one of my favorites. I love historical novels."

She leaned in to brush her lips against his.

He slid the arm around her shoulders up, palming her neck and moving to smooth through her platinum hair. "JJ, I have to get up real quick."

She pushed away and he stood, sauntering off to the bedroom with such a _swagger _that she was instantly alerted that he was up to something. She waited patiently, sitting cross legged on the couch with a mug of mint tea in her hands until he returned a few moments later.

"Alright, this is not nearly as glamorous as I- and probably you, for that matter- had hoped, but I can't wait anymore, it's been killing me for weeks now," he bit out hurriedly, circling around the coffee table and rubbing sweaty palms together.

JJ sat up, her interest piqued. "Why, Dr. Reid, what has you so distressed?"

He took a deep breath, plunging forward with the pitch. "JJ, I think it's safe to say that while we've been staying together for the past year or so, our relationship has progressed slightly beyond friendship. I think it's also safe to say that given the circumstances-"

He could see her eyes started to glaze over in confusion and he shook his head furiously. "What I'm trying to say is - JJ - through all this stuff we've had to go through, it really brought some things to light for me. It made me realize things that I might not have had this all not happened."

She was listening more intently now, and he noticed the way her fingers tightened on her cup. He winced.

"I love you, Jennifer Jareau, and I've never loved anything more. I want- if you, uh, JJ- will you marry me?"

_Let me just stab myself in the eye because that was not very suave at all. _He grouched internally, wishing desperately for a time-machine.

The blonde set her cup on the table with shaking hands, and she rose to unsteady feet, her cobalt eyes awash in unshed tears. Reid's eyes widened in horror at the realization of her crying.

"JJ, I'm _sorry, _that was so-"

"Spencer Reid, get your _ass _over here and _hug me." _

Blinking, he sidled around the table to meet her and she snuggled into him as close as she could, winding her arms around his neck and crying into his collar. Just below the edge of the partially unbuttoned flannel he was wearing, she felt the barely-noticeable scar from Napuri's knife. She kissed the word, mine, stained into his skin by a sharp, steel edged brush.

He was breathing heavily, and she loved the feel of his chest rising and falling against her front. He was nervous, she knew, and she reached up to smudge her fingers over his sharp cheekbone. She looked up at him, her wet eyes meeting his worried hazel ones.

"Spence, there is nothing I'd rather do. I would love to marry you."

He smiled then, one of those full, face-changing grins that she loved so much.

"Good," he said excitedly, sounding breathless as he pulled one arm away from her waist to fish through his back pocket. He presented the little black box to her and they separated while she opened it. She blinked, a new rush of tears greeting her eyes when she looked at the right. The big center diamond was twice the size of anything she could have expected, surrounded on both sides by two smaller ones. The gold band was smoothed to perfection. She lifted it delicately from the box, and she caught sight of the engraving on the bottom. _Ashes we are not._

"I love it," She said, allowing him to take it from her and slip it onto her finger. She held her hand out to admire it before she leaned in to kiss him again, harder this time. He reciprocated as gently as he always did, though she could _feel _the emotion he was emanating.

"I'm glad you do," he murmured softly and she squeezed his hand.

"I love you more," she added gently, and he closed his eyes, letting her pull him down to kiss his forehead. "This is the best place you could've proposed."

"I'd planned for it to be extravagant beyond all reason- but, I don't know, I just felt that now was the right time."

She slid an arm around his waist and he placed a hand on her swelling abdomen. "We have a new life, now," he said quietly, "a new family."

"Two FBI agents, married under strange circumstances with a baby on the way... pretty unusual, but I wouldn't have it any other way."

He smiled again, looking at his fiancee with so much love, it took her breath away.

"Neither would I."

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**Abrupt ish ending but this was TEN PAGES and it was spinning out of control. **

**I used two of the names offered in the reviews for last chapter. (;**

**Hatsumomo is from Arther Golden's Memoirs of a Geisha, a book I'm reading right now for the third time. Favorite book ever.  
**

**Next chapter: reflections on JJ/Reid seen through the team. Request!**

**To come: next pregnancy-chapter will likely have the baby being born. That means I have to choose the name, ugh. Also, Reid will likely propose to her again someone nice, just because he can. And Morgan will likely go insane at the knowledge of Reid proposing at all.**

**Anyway, please R&R? (:**

**xoxo.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Through the teams eyes, as requested. Not as epic as I'd hoped but best I can do at midnight. (:**

**Short, sorry!**

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**A S H T O F L A M E - Part 5**

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Traumatic experiences led to changes in behavior.

It was a phenomenon the BAU knew well with their years of experience in the field, dealing consistently with unsubs having gone off that deep end, rising from broken homes and victims destroyed by the tragedies that had befallen them.

Each and every one of them had expected massive behavior changes once their two youngest had been recovered, but the changes were not as dramatic as they'd feared. JJ never ran from her office, wailing in tears because someone had snapped at her coldly over the phone. Reid never shied away from a warm hand to the shoulder because he was reminded of much less-gentle touch. All in all, they were doing rather well.

Most of the office treated the pair normally once they'd returned from work, though JJ's recent pregnancy had not been lost on anybody.

Anybody but those special five agents would have believed that they'd recovered just fine and were well on their way to full recovery as the talented and near-legendary agents that they'd been before the entire mess had started, but those five members of the behavioral analysis knew better. They saw beneath the facade that others bought into. When people saw JJ's warm smile every morning, Prentiss saw the deep exhaustion in her eyes and the heavy drag of her feet as she made her way to her office.

When people saw Reid's friendly early-morning smile, they'd smile back and let him pass. When Morgan saw that smile, he imagined a peacock fanning his feathers in a 'stay back, not in the mood' sort of fashion.

Garcia liked to imagine how JJ was before the-california-thing, as she called it, since the case had originated there. She remembered how'd JJ would breeze into the office, the last of them to arrive. She usually brought coffee and breakfast, with everyone's named scribbled on the to-go cups from the cafe they all frequented. She'd laugh and grin from ear to ear before the work day started and she'd disappear into her office to sort through files, make calls, and bring cases to them.

Nowadays, she was there second only to Hotch though always in time with Reid, and they would split up the moment they walked into the bullpen. JJ would retire to her office without a word and would not come out again until she had a case to present quickly and almost tonelessly. Reid would sit at his desk, quietly finish his files without touching a cup of coffee and would listen patiently during the briefings. He was still very quick and spit-fired when he was asked questions, though his usual rambling had dwindled to occasional, quick spurts of information when it was at least somewhat-relevant.

Morgan had shot a paper-wad into Reid's trash bin the other day, and the younger had looked up with a blank expression, his hazel eyes blinking.

"Did you know," he'd started, his first breaking of silence since the work day had started, and Morgan had for once sat up with interest, "that basketball originated in Springfield, Massachusetts in 1892? Well, it came about in 1890 but the rules were officially placed in 1892."

Morgan distinctly remembered having said 'go on' when his colleague had looked back down at his paperwork, receiving only an odd look and half a shrug in response.

No, they hadn't changed too much, but to those five bau agents, the changes were like small hurricanes in the tranquil waters of what they were used to.

The day JJ had snapped at Hotch that she was tired and wanted to leave was like a bomb, rocketing over them like an uneasy cloud until she had begrudgingly apologized after a few tense hours.

When Reid had up and left a briefing at the mention of poison in the victims' systems, Rossi had taken off after him to bring him back. It had resulted in a ten-minute argument during which Rossi did most of the yelling, and Reid returned grouchy as hell and clammed up like an oyster. He hadn't contributed again, and Hotch had spent the remainder of JJ's stiff speech alternating glares between the two other men while Morgan and Emily had feebly attempted to contribute what they could.

Yes, the beginning days had been tough. But that had been a while ago, now. Months in the past.

Now, Morgan and Emily looked up from their desks in the bullpen as JJ walked in with Reid in tow. They exchanged a few parting words while he slunk toward his desk and JJ paused to offer the two a wave before waddling off to her own office. At nearly seven months pregnant, she was really getting up there and Hotch's continued nagging of maternity leave had yet to yield any results.

It was still odd for them to see the petite blonde so... _pregnant. _The weirder factor was knowing that Reid had done it, too. The thought was just flat out strange. Emily cut her eyes at the young man seated across from her, rubbing his cheek with his wrist and yawning widely while pulling a pink post-it from the stack on his desk. She glanced back to where JJ had made it up the steps and was walking into her office, and she had to shake her head to clear the unwanted images of how their child had come about.

They weren't revealing their chosen names for the baby, but JJ had said they had first and middle names picked for either gender. The secrecy was driving the rest of them insane, but the pair refused to share, and JJ didn't want to know the gender of the baby before the birth.

The baby seemed to have done a lot of good for the couple, too. They all remembered how the doctor had sullenly told them that it would be beyond a miracle if JJ had ever been able to get pregnant again. When she'd told them the news only a few months later, it was undoubtedly a shock- to her _and _the team. But most of all, Emily suspected Reid had gotten the biggest shock. She bit her lip in a smile and tried not to look at him, opting to chew on the end of her pen. She remembered how ghastly pale he'd been when they'd told the entire team at once, as though giving a case-briefing. The young man had nearly passed out then and there, and JJ had to sit him down and finish on her own.

Looking at the pair now, it was more than apparent that recovery was happening, and it was speeding up its process now that their lives were progressing more quickly. Morgan had nearly rolled over and died when Reid told him of the proposal- and Emily didn't blame him. She distinctly remembered spitting hot coffee all over herself when he'd blurted out the plans for engagement, first thing in the morning not that long ago. She'd had to go and change, she recalled grudgingly.

There was a big gap between the way they'd started off and the way they were now. The couple had started off shaky and nervous, bordering on paranoid- exactly what anyone would expect from people in their situation. They had been on medications at first, but as injuries healed and pain lessened, so did the drug usage. The therapy meetings seemed to have done good, although Hotch had reprimanded Reid for running circles around the psychiatrist half a dozen times.

Things finally began looking up after the therapy had drawn to a close. The team had mused it was just general healing- their youngest had been spending time together, relaxing, and the long break from work couldn't have hurt. By the time they had finally returned, they were well rested and eager to get back, though JJ was already a month pregnant by that time. She insisted she was thoroughly enjoying the experience.

They had by no means been hard people before. Reid was always soft as a puppy, and he still was, though his mannerisms were different enough to take some getting used to. He was not nearly as trusting. In his teammates, he would entrust his life and heart and soul. But when it came to talking to witnesses and victims families, it was plain to see that he was guarded. He would stand back with a carefully blank face, schooling his expression to be neutral. He was not so open with strangers, and rarely initiated conversation unless it was intellectual in nature. He'd recently, quite coldly, told a witness that the 'antique ancient chinese vase' in his home was not ancient or worth very much money at all because the markings on the sides were far too modern. Hotch had nearly (verbally) beaten the living hell out of him for that one when the witness had taken offense.

JJ was the same. She gave her press conferences and she looked as sharp as always, though now her mind was just as sharp as the pressed-edges of her pencil skirts. Her voice held a cool aloofness when speaking to LEO's across the states, and her exterior warmth to anyone outside her normal comfort zone was extremely limited.

Their countenances had been slightly altered, of course, but nobody had blamed them and the changes were minuscule enough to where they didn't change who they were as people.

When it came to the team, they were as affectionate as ever. JJ still loved to have sunday-morning breakfasts at the diner by Emily's apartment, and they both continued to go out for drinks when invited, though JJ was now stuck on arnold-palmers, she did enjoy the outings. They had loosened up quite a bit in the past few months, and things were normal. JJ spent excessive amounts of time with the other girls, spending ungodly amounts of money on baby goodies. Reid let his apartment get crowded with toys and supplies, uncaring even as he had to move a good chunk of his book collection to a storage unit to clear up the spare room.

The team liked to think that the changes were not so bad, and the two were arguably better people for what they had endured. When asked about the the subject, Reid liked to say 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger', to which JJ would always agree.

It was a good motto, and they were glad that things were settling in to normalcy.

When JJ walked in monday morning with a box of donuts, with Reid behind her carrying a tray of starbucks coffee cups with the team's names scribbled on each cup, they knew everything was going to be just fine.

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**Quick drabbly piece, unbeta'd.**


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